A different way to handle employee conflict
In my previous article I talked about how not to let your employees push your buttons during conflict situations. We looked at how to understand what your buttons are, and specific steps you can take to keep from getting triggered. You can read more here, Successful leaders never let their employees do this.
But chances are you aren’t the only one getting triggered when there’s conflict or a heated disagreement. So what do you do when dealing with someone else whose button has been pushed?
What not to say
Calm down!
Why are you so upset?
Don’t worry!
All of these phrases are meant well, but they send a signal you are not taking the other person’s concerns seriously. They can come across as dismissive rather than empathetic.
Don’t immediately push back or disagree
When someone disagrees with us our knee-jerk reaction is to push back.
For example:
You: The deadline is March 2
Employee: That deadline is completely unrealistic.
You: It IS realistic.
Employee: We don’t have the resources. We’re already juggling too many projects! I guess I’ll just have to cancel my life for the next month.
You: No one is asking you to give up your life.
By this point you are probably feeling frustrated and disrespected. The more the other person resists you, the harder you push back. This often causes the conflict to escalate rather than be resolved.
Ask clarifying questions
When someone is resisting you, ask a clarifying question. This does two things:
- It keeps you from making false assumptions about the other person (they are lazy, disrespectful, uncooperative, lying, don’t like you, etc.)
- It allows the other person to share their concerns
Clarifying question examples:
What are you most concerned about?
Is there information you want to share with me?
By asking a clarifying question rather than immediately pushing back you’re controlling the conversation rather than letting the conversation control you.
Example:
You: The deadline is March 2
Employee: That deadline is completely unrealistic.
You: What are you most concerned about?
Employee: That we already have too many projects on our plate.
You: Let’s sit down and look at what your team is working on and discuss resources and timelines.
NOTE: You are actually more in control in this situation than the one described above. And you aren’t changing your deadline, you’re simply gathering more information and allowing your employee more time to recover from their knee-jerk reaction. Buying the other person time can be a wonderful gift.
Choose a different time or place to engage
When someone’s button has been pushed, they likely aren’t thinking clearly.
If you’re leading a meeting, you can suggest a 5 minute restroom or coffee break. If it’s a one-n-one, you can let the person know you want to devote the proper time to the issue and ask to reschedule at a time when you can devote your full attention. (But do not let them leave without having the next meeting scheduled.)
The important thing is that you do address the issue, not avoid it.
Beware of being an appeaser or avoider
“He probably won’t like it if I say no to him, so I won’t.” “It won’t go well if I say that to her, so I’ll agree with her temporarily so things will go more smoothly”
The final thing to be aware of when dealing with someone else who has had their button pushed is our instinct to avoid confrontation, especially if we fear the other person’s reaction.
If you’re in a conflict situation, use the tools listed above. They are designed to create a better less contumacious outcome.
If someone has been triggered, there’s usually something important going on that needs to be addressed. If you have the courage to calmly step into these situations, mindfully responding rather than mindlessly reacting, you have an opportunity to affect real positive change.
