Why the way you’re handling conflict makes you look weak

One of the top ways leaders lose respect is by poorly handling conflict.  How you handle yourself in a conflict situation is so important because it is not the easy interactions that define who you are as a leader, it is the difficult ones.  

Let’s say there is a conflict at work.  Someone is disagreeing with you.  How do you handle it?  Do you appear in control or out of control?  Do you appear secure or insecure?  Do you appear calm or emotional?  Do you appear strong or do you appear weak?  Now, from the title of the article, you’re probably thinking if you don’t stand up for yourself, or if you give in or if you let the other person “win” during a conflict at work, you appear weak.  Actually, the opposite is true.   

Sounds counterintuitive doesn’t it.  But here’s why.

In conflict, our instinct is to push against….to say, “You’re wrong!”

In situations where someone disagrees with us, our natural response is to push against that person.  To prove that they are wrong.  Here are some examples:

Opponent:  You’re too old to run for political office.

Candidate:  I’m NOT too old to run for political office.

Person 1:  It’s going to take 50 years before we see a real positive change.

Person 2:  It’s not going to take 50 years to see a real positive change.

Person 1:  What if we train our employees and they leave? That’s a waste of money.

Person 2:   That’s not a waste of money.

Bully:  You run like a girl

Girl:  I do not!

Pushing against is a reasonable and natural instinct.  Wanting to prove that the other person is wrong is a reasonable natural instinct.  And it makes you look weak.

By pushing against you can appear aggressive, defensive and/or insecure

When you push against, you think you appear strong, but often you look either aggressive or defensive.  What triggers someone to feel the need to be aggressive?  Insecurity.  What causes someone to be defensive?  Insecurity.  When you are being physically attacked these instincts can serve you well.  But we’re talking about interactions with co-workers, not muggers.  It may feel like these people are attacking you personally, but to achieve your goals, “going with” their argument may yield better results.   

I hear you saying, “But what if they ARE wrong!”  When you start from the premise of “you’re wrong” you are no longer on that person’s side.  You are each focused on proving how the other person is wrong.  This makes win/win solutions nearly impossible.  It also makes the other person feel attacked rather than understood.  

So what can you do to NOT appear aggressive, defensive or insecure (aka weak)?

The power of going with vs. pushing against your opponent

Instead of pushing against, go with your opponent.   

Opponent:   Ronald Reagan is too old to be president.

Ronald Reagan:  I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.

Instead of pushing against being too old, Regan acknowledge he was older than the other candidate, but turned it into a positive, rather than a negative attribute.

Person 1:  It’s going to take 50 years to see real positive change.

Person 2:  It could.  I think it may be closer to 25 years before we see real positive change.

When you push back and say “it won’t be 50 years” you set yourself up on opposite sides. By going with, or agreeing with the main point “we won’t see a real positive change” you are on the same side of the issue, simply talking about the timeline vs. arguing over the validity of the main premise.

Person 1: What if we train our employees and they leave? That would be a waste of money.

Person 2:  What if we don’t train them and they stay?

You went with their argument “it’s a waste of money to train our employees.” But then followed it to a logical conclusion.        

Bully:   You run like a girl.

Girl:  And if you ran a little faster, you could, too.

This is an incredibly powerful technique for dealing with bullies. Bullies are itching for a fight.  When you “go with” their argument, you throw them off balance.  They are expecting you to be defensive.  Instead you own the “insult” then flip it on its head to turn it into a positive.  This sends a message of security vs. insecurity.  

For those of you who are still thinking, “But if I give in or let them have their way, I am surrendering!   And that’s going to make me look weak.”   

This is NOT surrender.  When you surrender, you give the other person control.  In this case you are maintaining control of the interaction at all times.  

In conflict, going with vs. pushing against is a way to mindfully influence a situation, rather than mindlessly react to it.    And THAT is the sign of strong leader.

P.S. For those of you who recognize the philosophy of Aikido here, you are correct.  We’ll have much more on that coming soon.