Confessions of an empathy expert

I have a friend – let’s call her “Shangela” – who struggles with empathy with her family. It’s easy to empathize with strangers, but with her family, it sometimes comes out a little bit like this:

“If they’d only listen to my advice, they could avoid these issues they’re having.”

“If that guy makes you cry, I’m gonna kick his butt!”

“It’s not that bad. Brush yourself off and climb back on that horse!”

Yes, I’m talking about myself. I am Shangela. And maybe you are, too?

I’ve been digging deeply into the power of empathy for the past 10 years and sharing it with credit unions around the country. And let’s get one thing clear. I teach empathy because it matters, not because I am perfect at it.

What gives? Why is it so difficult to empathize with people we’re the closest to? Sometimes we treat people who are further away from our sphere of influence better than we treat people who have a direct effect on our lives. If I see you in passing, I can empathize all day long. Mess with my schedule, my workflow, or *gasp* my emotions, and my empathy dysfunction comes out.

It’s much easier to show empathy if it doesn’t affect or inconvenience the details of my life. I sound like such a bad human! But what if empathy feels inconvenient? What if empathy creates a lot more work for me? I’ll fly right into a default response system that may not be pretty.

There are several common responses to emotions we see in others that don’t quite hit the mark. You might recognize these empathy opportunities in what Brené Brown calls “empathy misses.”

1. Shaming Sally: When someone shares something emotional, you gasp and provide an over-the-top reaction that confirms how horrifying the situation is.Them: “I just found out my job is being eliminated.”
   Shaming Sally: “That’s terrible! How in the world are you ever going to recover from this?”

Awkward silence follows. The person seeking empathy now feels they should try to make you feel better.

2. Disappointed Darren: When it’s difficult to be empathetic because you’re too disappointed by the other person. You’re let down by their actions rather than empathizing with them.Them: “I’m so upset! I missed a payment and now I have a big penalty!”
   Disappointed Darren: “Seriously? I knew you couldn’t be trusted with a credit card of your own.”

   The best we can hope for is that the person seeking empathy now feels they’ve let you down. In a worst-case scenario, the person seeking empathy feels as if nothing short of perfection will do to make you happy.

3. Butt Kicking Bruce: When someone shares that they’re upset due to the actions of another person, and you react with anger. You’re bothered because someone you love is hurting, and you respond by either scolding them for getting hurt or getting mad at the person who hurt them. In short, you’re looking for someone else to blame.Them: “I’m heartbroken over this situation.”
   Butt Kicking Bruce: “Who hurt you? I’ll kick their butt!”

   Raise your hand if you’ve ever used righteous anger with a friend or relative. I know for a fact that Shangela has!

4. Shake It Off Sharla: When you feel so uncomfortable with vulnerability that you refuse to accept that anything bad has happened. You minimize the situation and do everything you can to “fix it.”Them: “I really blew it in my presentation to senior leadership.”
   Shake It Off Sharla: “You’re exaggerating. It wasn’t that bad. You rock! Everyone loves you!”

   This is the equivalent of “buck up” or “Put on your adult pants and deal with it.”

5. Competing Carl: When you feel so uncomfortable with something that is shared that you compare it with something you perceive is worse. This is confusing connection with the opportunity to one-up.Them: “I just got another project piled on and I’m not sure how I’m going to do it all.”
   Competing Carl: “You think you’ve got it bad? That’s nothing! This one time…”

   Enjoy this sketch of Penelope: Traffic School from Saturday Night Live for one of the best, and most annoying versions of Competing Carl.

The bottom line with empathy? Practicing empathy takes work. You will make mistakes. You will miss opportunities to empathize with people – even the people closest to you. So, what should you do?

The first step is to recognize when you’re responding with one of these personas and going into these default behaviors. Next, step back and evaluate your own experience. Ask yourself why you’re treating this person this way. They could be old habits that are difficult to break. Don’t give up on yourself and on practicing empathy as often as the opportunity presents itself.

Empathy muscles can be strengthened and grow over time. All our relationships are worth it. Even Shangela thinks so. You can reach her at angela@cudifference.com to learn more about how to strengthen your empathy muscles and capitalizing on opportunities to show our connections we care.