Have you ever noticed that some of the most successful leaders have an abundance of patience? I have noticed this throughout my career and have been told by supervisors on more than one occasion that I need to be patient. Strangely, I was a patient child but grew increasingly impatient in adulthood. In recent years, however, I have been channeling my childhood patience and I can honestly say that I see the benefits.
Ironically, a colleague recently shared with me a podcast about patience and embracing the wait. I was delighted because of the subject matter and because the host was Fr. Mike Schmitz, one of my favorite podcasters. The guest, Arthur Brooks, was someone with whom I had no familiarity, which is embarrassing to admit given his impressive accomplishments.
Brooks is an American author, social scientist, and professor who focuses on happiness, leadership, and public policy. He teaches at Harvard Kennedy School and Harvard Business School, writes on happiness and life design, and is known for bestselling books like From Strength to Strength and Build the Life You Want (coauthored with Oprah Winfrey). It turns out that Brooks is also a devout Catholic.
Stay with me. The takeaways I am about to share can benefit anyone regardless of faith or professional status.
Also immaterial is the fact that this interview was released during Advent, the Christian season of spiritual preparation and waiting in the weeks before Christmas. Naturally, the timing lent itself to the topic, but the topic is evergreen nonetheless.
The podcast can be found on YouTube.
“Your dog loves you; your cat tolerates you” is one of a dozen insights Brooks shares. Below are my eleven additional takeaways.
1. Harness boredom to boost creativity
Blame technology or simply the zeitgeist, but the truth is that most of us do not allow ourselves to be bored. We are in the habit of finding distractions, making the time go by faster. This is tragic because it is usually when we are not distracted that we are the most innovative.
2. We anesthetize ourselves with distractions
Distractions not only help pass time, but they also help us avoid that which is uncomfortable. Distractions make us think we are busy, providing us with excuses for avoidance. It reminds me of a friend’s sass, when he quipped often and sarcastically, “Activity suggests a life full of purpose.”
3. Happiness is satisfaction plus meaning—it’s a phenomenon
Brooks says we are happy when we are fulfilled, or satisfied, and when our lives have meaning. Emotions are evidence of happiness, the result of this sense of purpose.
4. Be grateful for all things, even suffering
Again, you do not have to be Catholic or even religious to understand and embrace the concept of gratitude, even in suffering. Suffering can build resilience, make us more empathetic and less judgmental, and can help us clarify what matters most in life.
The Catholic perspective on suffering is that it unites us to Jesus’ suffering on the cross and that any suffering we experience in this life will not equate to the level of joy we will experience in eternity.
Brooks advises that we adopt the mantra, “My suffering is good.”
5. Suffering is pain plus resistance
Think about weight training. In the beginning it might be difficult to curl ten pounds, but over time, we are able to increase the amount of weight to the point where ten pounds is not a challenge at all. Thus, the term resistance training.
We can do the same with some suffering, reaching a point where that which once seemed unbearable has little to no effect.
6. Manage negative and positive emotions
Brooks describes the benefits of taking control of our negative and positive emotions. Scheduling down time is one way to ensure we spend time in self-reflection.
7. Four musts for a successful marriage
Brooks advises couples to make eye contact, have fun together, ABT (always be touching one another), and read to each other every night. This is important for busy professionals because a happy home life sets the stage for a happy professional life.
8. Dogs are happy because they’re always living in the present
You may be preparing to take your dog to the vet, maybe even for the last time, but all the dog knows is we’re going out! Dogs live in the present. We can learn a lot from them.
9. The wolf is at the door
Life is fragile. We are not guaranteed a certain number of years, yet we often find ourselves on a “hedonic treadmill,” only to learn that the Rolling Stones were correct: we can’t get no satisfaction. We are perpetually unsatisfied despite our gains. Cognizant of the wolf at the door, we can detach from fleeting ambitions, live in the present, and prioritize true happiness and meaning over outcomes.
10. Surrender
As the adage goes, “We make plans and God laughs.” Believers know that the most important thing we can do is submit to God’s will rather than ours. When we do this, bliss finds us. Non-believers can also take a page from this playbook by avoiding the temptation to push our will. Instead, trust, because serendipity is out of our control.
11. Intrinsic goals are rewarding—they are our north star
Intrinsic goals are a reliable predictor of happiness. Brooks calls intrinsic goals “eulogy virtues,” those accolades we hope to have said about us at our funerals. Conversely, extrinsic goals are worldly aspirations like money, power, pleasure, and fame. They leave us unfulfilled. They are false stars.
Case in point
It wasn’t until well after I resigned as Lehman CFO in 2008 and went through a subsequent devastating personal crisis that I appreciated how out of whack my priorities had become and how little foundation and resiliency I had as a person. – Erin Callan Montella
Talk about serendipity! I waited a day to submit this article to the editorial staff and in the eleventh hour, a friend shared with me the Institute for Family Studies article from which the text above is taken. In “From Wall Street Hot Shot to Wife and Mother,” Callan Montella describes overcoming the devastating personal crisis that brought her to total fulfillment.
Spoiler alert: it’s about trust, shifting mindset, and reprioritizing.
Bringing it all together
Brooks’ lessons and the delightful reminder that “your dog loves you; your cat tolerates you,” distill the essence of what it means to live with intention. Whether we seek patience, gratitude, or meaning, the path to fulfillment begins with awareness and small shifts in mindset. By focusing on intrinsic goals, embracing the wait, and finding joy in the present like our dogs so effortlessly do, we move closer to a life well-lived and rich with purpose.
