When two people have a disagreement, the argument often follows a familiar pattern…
Side 1: I’m sick of your lectures. When I say I’ll be somewhere I am. You are treating me like an unreliable flake. I never bail out.
Side 2: You always bail out. I can think of three times you recently cancelled plans.
Side 1: There was one time when I had to get up super early and wasn’t feeling well. I’m not some unreliable person. You’re the one who cancels last minute. Monday night we were supposed to get together, but you called that evening and said you hadn’t heard from me and you were just going to make other plans. That was your fault.
Side 2: We had talked about getting together but then I never heard from you all day!
Side 1: I was busy all day! I had to move boxes and deal with clients. It’s the middle of tax season.
In most disagreements, each side pushes against other, arguing their case, justifying their actions. That’s the main reason why arguments don’t get resolved. Is there a better way?
Let go of the need to prove you are right.
Now, you can believe you are right. But if each side is solely focused on justifying their position, neither side is listening or actually working towards a solution. When you focus all your efforts on proving you are right you doom any chance of resolving the argument.
Here are a few tips on how to get out of this “push against”, “I’m right you’re wrong” framework.
Tip #1: Do not use the terms “never” or “always”—they only invite the other side to focus on examples to prove that assertion is not true. It guarantees instant pushback.
Tip #2: Check your assumptions. You believe the other side has made (negative) assumptions about you. “You think I’m unreliable, a flake.” Does the other person really think that about you? Check by simply stating, “It sounds like you think I am unreliable and a flake. Is that true?”
Tip #3: Focus on the problem vs. the person. Is the problem the person or do you have different communication preferences? Ask, “How can we improve our communication?”
Tip #4: Ask for what you want. NOTE: Too often we focus on what we don’t want. “I don’t want to sit around wondering if we are going to get together or not.” Instead, ask specifically for what you do want. “I want to feel clear on our plans. I’d like a check in the day of the plan to confirm what we are doing.”
When you can let go of the need to prove you are right you give yourself a chance to actually hear each other and work together towards a solution. Give it a try.
